Where am I?

I’m lost. I don’t know where I am. Am I here? Am I there? Am I anywhere?

I eat; my body is back to where it wants to be. Trying to kill me. Thought that aren’t mine, thoughts that control me and want to take over.

Today I’ve laid the sofa, under a blanket and surfed the internet on my phone, as well as watched TV. And oh yes, I’ve survived.
I try to do something, but it ends with a head banging the wall and sore cheekbones. I use all my energy to not do something stupid, so much energy that I am exhausted. The thoughts have been on full blast. “You know that medicine cabinet over there? You know you can break the lock and get those pills? Do it!” “Go take a shower, an iiiiiiice cold shower. It will hurt, but it doesn’t help to scream or cry, you will stay in there. Ice cold water! You should freeze to death” “Bang your head in the wall, then you get a break from us. You know it works, you made it up yourself.” “Screw what others say, they don’t know what they’re talking about. You are best off with us.”

I am trapped. I am trapped in a cage and scream for help. I cry. I scream. I am scared to death. But they don’t let me come forward. I use all my forces to seek help, to tell how I’m being manipulated, how I am an object for the thoughts. I am exhausted. But sometimes! Sometimes it gets quiet. Sometimes I get to breathe. I enjoy those moments and laugh a real laugh, smile a real smile. Little do I know that soon after I will be hunted down and imprisoned all over again

I am so blessed!

Today has been a pretty good day. It began with the cutest message I've ever gotten on Tumblr where a girl told me that I was her role model. That is huge!! I just couldn't believe it, and still don't. Being someones role model motivates me even more to recover properly, it is such a good feeling know that tou are doing something right!

And it didn't end there!
When I got to school I got such a cute SMS from a close friend of mine saying I light up her world. That is too cute isn't it?

On the way home from school around noon (Mondays and Tuesdays are my short days), I stopped at the grocery store to walk around checking nutrition values (NOT A GOOD THING!), seeing if I should buy some snacks and etc. I don't know why, but walking and looking around in a foodstore really calms me down.  But yeah, I saw these Ben & Jerry's icecream boxes and said to myself "why not?".
It was so tough picking up the boxes, not because they were heavy, but because I have a really hard time buying 'unhealthy' stuff on my own. I always have either my bro or my mom with me. Not this time, no, I did it ALL BY MYSELF!!

I got really paranoid while checking out thinking everyone was watching me, criticizing me, thinking that I didn't deserve that as I am way too huge etc etc etc. My head was exploding and I was about to put the boxes back, but all of a sudden I heard a friendly voice saying : "Good morning" and it was time for my check out. I couldn't back out at that point. That would only look weird, so I paid for the 2 boxes and hurried to put it in a bag so no one would see how disgusting I was.

But then when I came home I began thinking logically again. Maybe the people at the store were envying me for buying this, thinking that they should have bought something like that, that they really got a craving for B&J when they saw my delicious boxes of Cookie dough ice cream and Half baked ice cream. Who wouldn't want those brands???

I have had anxiety attacks, struggled with thoughts and school but I don't really care right now. Someone out there looks up to ME! Me of everyone else, that is just surreal.

I don't care what my head tells me today because I am so unbelievably blessed by everyone around me supporting me! 

This post has become a rumble of things haha, hope it wasn't too messy for you to read and understand  :-)

-M

What to say when a loved one has an eating disorder

1. Don’t make valued body judgments

Example sentences:

• “You look great as you are!”
• “But you are already thin.”
• “You look healthy!”
• “You’re not fat.”
• “REAL women have curves!”
• “You don’t want to look emaciated, you want to look buff/toned!”

Why you might want to say it:

• “Eating disorders happen because people are insecure about how they look… so if I compliment them, they’ll be less insecure, and feel better!’

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are about taking every insecurity and translating it into terms of food/weight/appearance, making appearance insecurity mostly a symptom of a larger problem rather than the whole problem itself. In addition, the accidental message being sent is that an eating disorder is only bad if the person is already thin — and so if that person was fat, their eating disorder would “make sense,” not be as much of a problem, or not bad enough to need help.

What to say instead:

• Focus on things that don’t depend on weight — activities that they are good at, positive character traits, and occasionally weight-independent physical characteristics
• “Look how strong you are now!”
• “You’re much more active/aware/fun to be around since you’ve recovered.”
• “I like you because you are a great friend.”
• “You look a lot happier since you’ve recovered.”
• “Losing or gaining weight won’t change how I feel about you — I love you for who you are, not how you look.”

2. Don’t make it about your issues or insecurities

Example sentences:

• “If you think YOU’RE fat, you must think I’M obese!”
• “If you loved me, you would eat more.”
• “If you won’t eat, then I won’t eat either.”
• “I know how you feel.”
• “Are you trying to punish me for something?”
• “I’m sorry.”

Why you might want to say it:

• “Love conquers all! Maybe they don’t like themselves enough to recover, but if I make it about me, then they’ll choose to recover for me.”
• Many people want to say “I know how you feel” or “I’m sorry” out of genuine desire to empathize and help. And while they are more helpful than many of the others, the fact of the matter is that you CAN’T really know how they feel, because you’re not them, and it’s not your fault, so your “sorry” doesn’t really mean anything.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are an illness, and they are not about hurting anyone else; they are a way to cope with otherwise overwhelming things (depression, anxiety, abuse, trauma, etc.).Heaping more blame on a sick person, and making them focus on you and your discomfort will only make them feel more guilt and shame, making recovery even more difficult. The likely outcome will probably be that they will stop seeing you as a safe ally, and instead feel the increased need to lie or hide things from you in order to not hurt you. This isolates them further, and keeps you from actually being able to be there for them in an effective way.

What to say instead:

• “I am here for you, because I care about you.”
• “How can I best support you?”

3. Don’t call attention to what/how much they’re eating

Example sentences:

• “OMG you’re actually eating!!”
• “You’re eating again, so I guess you’re recovered!”
• “You’ll eat THAT, but you won’t eat ___?”
• “You’re eating a lot… are you going to puke it up later?”
• “That must be at least ____ calories!” / “Do you know how much fat/carbs/sodium is in that??”

Why you might want to say it:

• For some of these, well-meaning people might say it as a way to point out progress in recovery, or to make a serious situation a little more lighthearted, or just genuine curiosity. For others, I can only guess that they just weren’t thinking at all.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are toxic because of obsession; part of recovery is learning to do normal things without obsessing about them or paying them undue attention. When you call attention to something we really need to think less about, it is very triggering and almost universally unhelpful.

What to say instead:

• “I’m proud of you for all the progress you’ve made in recovery.”
• “Great job, honey. So how’s that [insert unrelated project] of yours coming along?”

4. DO NOT brush it off, or downplay the severity

Example sentences:

• “It’s just a phase.”
• “It’s not that bad.”
• “You’re not really sick.”
• “Other people are sicker/starving in China/etc.”
• “It’s just an extreme diet.”
• “I know how you feel, dieting is really stressful.”

Why you might want to say it:

• “It’s just a negative attention-getting tactic; if I don’t reward it, they’ll drop the act.”
• “I used to have a ‘phase’ like that, and I got over it, so they will, too.”

Why you shouldn’t:

• If someone trusts you enough to open up about something they’re really struggling with, it is completely invalidating to brush it off as nothing. If you are one of the first people they open up to about something, and you react in this way, it could very well discourage them from getting the help they might desperately need, perhaps until it’s too late.
• Each experience with disordered eating is different. It could very well be just a “dieting” phase for some people, but it is also the deadliest mental illness for a reason — because for some people, it is much more serious.

What to say instead:

• Try to reflect back the amount of seriousness that they are bringing to the table. Note that this means you have to listen to nonverbal cues and take into account their personality/confrontational style. If it seems like they are getting something heavy off their chest by telling you this, it is a sign that this means a great deal to them, and that what they are looking for from you is to address that it is a struggle and to offer them support. If they mention a-little-too-casually that they have been dieting a lot recently, try asking more conversational questions that could help them open up a little more about what they’re going through.
• “It sounds like this is weighing heavily on you. Do you want to talk about it?”
• “ ‘dieting a lot,’? What do you mean?”

5. Do NOT offer or ask for dieting tips. Don’t talk about dieting at all.

Example sentences:

• “If you REALLY wanted to lose weight…”
• “So-and-so lost ___ lbs on such-and-such diet.”
• “I read about this diet in [insert notoriously fat-shaming magazine]…”

Why you might want to say it:

• It’s become a kind of way for women to bond with other women, and just for people to talk idly about in general. Cultural pressure has almost literally everyone worried about their weight and so it’s common ground for almost everyone else, which makes it very accessible as personalized small talk. Mostly people just say this kind of stuff because they aren’t really familiar with the profound consequences it has on some people.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Self-comparison is incredibly addictive and very unhealthy, especially for those with eating disorders. Statements like this are like throwing wood on a fire and then dumping the contents of a gasoline truck onto it.
• Implying that they should focus on losing weight is terrible. It’s kind of exactly opposite all the goals of recovery.

What to say instead:

• anything else. Seriously.

6. Don’t blame them for being sick

Example sentences:

• “Snap out of it!”
• “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
• “Just eat something already, jeez.”
• “Why are you making this so hard on me/everyone else?”
• “You’re being really selfish.”

Why you might want to say it:

• Frustration, largely, with an issue that you don’t really understand that doesn’t seem to be making the consistent progress you’d want.
• Wanting to “shake them out of it”

Why you shouldn’t:

• It doesn’t work
• It reinforces guilt, blame, the idea that there is something wrong with them, etc. It also sets the expectation that they can just “snap out of it,” (when clearly they can’t, or they certainly would have by now), and when those expectations are internalized and then not met, it’s even more “justification” for the low self-esteem and low sense of self-worth that are major barriers to recovery.

What to say instead

• “I know that this is very frustrating for you. Remember that I care about you a lot and I am here in whatever capacity I can be.
• You might also want to say nothing and take a breather until you can rejoin the fray. Being a supporter of someone with a chronic illness, especially a chronic “invisible” illness, is extremely draining and can have serious effects for the people around the suffer as well as the sufferer themself. If you need a few days off in order to clear your head and regain your balance, that is more than fine. Your number one job is to take care of yourself; only when you are really addressing your own needs can you actually be helpful to others. If you need to explain this to your loved one with an eating disorder, reassure them that you still care deeply about them, and you still want to help, but that you need some time to take care of yourself for a while. Try to make sure that they recognize that they have other people in their support network that they can lean on if necessary, that you’re not abandoning them to their own devices. Emphasize that it is not their fault, just that you have your own affairs you need to get in order. Establish exactly what kind of relationship they can expect from you in the meantime — no contact? emergency contact? just friends? no difference in label, just less time/emotional availability? Agree on expectations (both yours of them and theirs of you) and things will hopefully go much more smoothly. But whatever happens, again, your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and you are NOT a bad person if you ultimately have to withdraw from a position as supporter in order to do so.

Source: http://edrecoveryprobs.com/post/63025631041/this-post-has-been-a-long-time-coming-a-few

Nicecream

You have probably heard about homemade healthy easy made fruit ice cream and probably even tried it too. It is tasty, isn't it?
If you haven't tried it, here is how I made mine this evening:

Mango Banana Nicecream
Serves 2

1 chopped up, frozen mango
1 frozen banana

Put in a mixer and mix till smooth.

Top off with what ever you want. Frozen berries are really good for topping or even to be mixed in with the banana and mango. Adding some peanut butter is also delish!

Make it look pretty and then TADAH you've made your own ice cream in within 5 minutes! 

Enjoy Xx
-M

Please eat

Please eat, imagine if in 30 years time you're still living with this horrible illness because you didn't make the decision to recover now. Eat that cake and buttery toast before bedtime, have a milky hot chocolate with melted marshmallows in it because although those things seem very significant now, in the bigger picutre they're really not. In 30 years time you won't even remember eating the 'scary foods' but what you will remember is spending what's meant to be the best years of your life worrying about grams of fat, sugar and calories.

Physical pain

It is quite some time since last post now, sorry. Or no, I'm not sorry, I apologise way too much and this isn't anything to even feel sorry for! The truth is that I don't have time to even breath. Not because I am so extremely busy, I am not super busy, but busy enough.
I am tired 24/7. I don't have any energy at all, 0. I go to school, I socialize, I do those 'normal things' but the things teachers say go in one ear and straightly out the other as all I think about is food, weight. calories etc. Especially now as things are tough, picking myself back up from a slight relapse.

Despite from that, my whole entire body aches. It hurts, really hurts. I've had ECG taken and everything was normal there, except some little thing that the doctor was going to get some specialists to look at ( it is probably nothing). The doctor also came to the conclusion that I probably suffer from inflammated muscles in my overbody (ribcase, breast, back etc) and it gets even worse in school. Sometimes all I want is to cry of pain. But I can't, I've cried too many times in school (haha!).

Oh well I guess I have to fight through this as well as everything else.
I don't really mind physical pain, I actually prefer it instead of mental pain, but both at the same time? You've got to be kidding me!

I'm not complaining, even though it comes of that way. I just really needed to write this and went. It feels much better to just let things out than holding them inside! And yeah, I am documenting my own recovery, so why not write what I am thinking and going through?

Xx
-M
P.s enjoy this wonderful pic of me and ma Lil'bro

A little update

I am struggling, really struggling right now. I am eating what I have to eat, but it is more challenging than before. All I can think of is that if I hadn’t been stopped, I could have reached my goal weight by now. I only had to lose 3-4 more kilos, but instead I gained several kilos. But I am also thankful for that I was stopped and put inpatient because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be living life. I mean, common, I am soon 18 years old and I haven’t really done a thing because I’ve always been afraid of what people think, what I eat, what my weight is, what I look like and etc. I have not been kissed, gone to parties and enjoyed it, had a boyfriend for more than 3 days in elementary school, simply enjoyed life. I’m not living life 100% yet, but I am getting there. E.g. I went and met my friends multiple times during Christmas vacation and I enjoyed it, I really did. I didn’t even hesitate on answering if I would come or not. I did what I wanted and that is really freeing.  
I just hope that the future will bring more of those freeing, none worrying moments. I can’t deal with all those worries anymore.

I am off to lunch, have a great day!

Bye!

New Year’s resolutions of the unknown

Now, as the new year has arrived, the stores are filled with weight loss products, the TV shows more weight loss commercials than the actual TV program, the magazines are full of tips on how to lose weight and etc. etc. etc. This will last through whole January, in February it will slow down a lot because people have simply given up on those unreachable and pardon my language: stupid resolutions they set for themselves in hope that the New Year will magically bring all that is needed to fulfill those resolutions. They don’t work for it, or well, they do buy bunch of dieting products thinking that that will magically make them ‘skinny’, and in few, if not none of the cases does it work.

I am annoyed by those ads that only are there to fool people to waste their money on as pointless, unnecessary dieting products. And what does it do for us, other than making us feel bad about ourselves? I don’t really know. But I know that it is triggering as hell having to go to the pharmacy to buy supplement drinks (none dietary) to actually drink WITH food, and the first thing you see is a mountain of diet supplements saying you should drink them INSTEAD of food. Is it just me, or has this become a real problem in today’s civilization?

The hottest thing today is to drink something, that you actually don’t know what is (other than it contains x calories), instead of eating real, healthy, satisfying food. Can you believe it? Are we that lazy and desperate to lose weight?

I’m going to be honest and say that I have been very tempted to buy those things, even now in recovery, because it says that you can easily lose x kg within 2 months. My mind tells me: “oh perfect! “ But hey, I need all the nutrients I am getting from eating the amount I am eating. I need those proteins, I need those carbs, I need those fats, I need those vitamins and I need those calories! My body doesn’t work without them, and neither does any other body.

Drinking those drinks doesn’t magically fix the problem you have with yourself. It won’t make you feel any better about yourself. It doesn’t make you prettier or more perfect. And it doesn’t make you more important than you ever were before. (You are more important than you think, and you will never become less or more important than that! You are as important as it is possible to be and ever become!) It doesn’t fix a thing. Not even for people those are obese. It won’t make them happier; it won’t boost their self-esteem etc. etc. etc. (I could go on and on and on, but I won’t bore you). All those things come from the inside. Even though the messages you get from the ads are that you become happier, prettier and healthier. That is bullshit and nothing but bullshit.

My therapist told me that we have to be critical to ads like that and think about who those ads are actually for. Are they for normal people within healthy weight? No. Are they for slightly overweight people that can easily change their diet to become healthier? No. Are they for us dealing with eating disorders? Hell no.

So why bother to waste money on dietary things you really do not need instead of buying that gorgeous shoes you’ve been looking at for weeks? For me it is an obvious choice.

-M

(no pics in this post as they can be triggering)

Christmas

I don't feel like it is Christmas tomorrow. I feel like it is far away, or at least I wish it was. Even though I enjoy Christmas, there is so much about it that makes me anxious. The food, not being with my whole family which I love so much, and receiving gifts. I don't like receiving. I love giving, but receiving has always been tough. I feel like people use up too much time on me a.k.a. time wasted. I don't want to sound depressing, or have this post as one of the depressing post because it isn't. It shouldn't be. Hallo, Christmas is tomorrow and during Christmas everyone should be happy, right?

I am one of those people who uses way too much money on gifts. I like giving, I always have. Since I was like 8 years old, all I've wanted was people giving a goat or hens to poor kids and families in Africa instead of buying me some useless gift that anyways would end up in the trash at one time or another. But that I've never gotten. I've mentioned it, but never been taken seriously. Well well, I just have to try harder next year.

Christmas isn't about the gifts, the food, the Christmas lights or freshly baked cookies. It is about family. It is about enjoying each other's time and be kind to one another. Not only our aunt's, uncles or grandparents, but the biggest family on earth. EVERYONE. We are a one big family, we work together on making the world a better place, just like our closest family works on keeping our family together. Yes we go to wars, we ruin things for one another, we aren't always friends. But is that any different from a typical close family? I am going to be honest here and not make my family look perfect, because we aren't. We fight, we aren't always friends and we sometimes ruin something for one another. But that doesn't make us less of a family, does it?
We are a one humongous family, no matter if you like it or not. We don't have to be perfect to be a family, because we aren't. In fact nobody is.

During christmas we all should think of the people in this world who don't have a close family, who don't have a roof over their head, who don't have food or clean water. They are like our younger siblings.
Sometimes we have to look out for our siblings,  we sometimes have to take care of them. So take care of each other and have a merry and joyful Christmas!
-M

Anniversary!!!

Today, 15th of December it is exactly HALF A YEAR since I last overdosed! And oh my god how thankful I am for that it didn't work, although at that time it felt like yet another thing I failed at.
I did never imagine that I would live to Christmas and now they are just around the corner. That is a HUGE achievement on my behalf!

You may think that you can't live another day in this life, but YOU CAN! You may not be able to see that right now and it feels like a cliché (?), but before you know it, it will GET BETTER! I promise!

Find something to do, something to keep you occupied. For me it was working at a hotel, sewing when I got home and read. I didn't allow myself any sparetime to sit and just think. Ofc that happened from time to time, but when that happens  try to make sure you are not alone. You don't need to talk to anyone about what you're going through if you don't want to, just sit with someone, small talk, get something yummy to snack on and keep your mind occupied with other than negative thoughts! Those negative thoughts only destroy you, and you've got to destroy what destroys you, right?

Keep fighting, I believe in you Xx